Part 1

Sitting in total silence, she pondered what Dr. McAllister had told her a few days ago. Not sure how she felt about it, she stared out the window. Of course, she was glad that he thought she was recovered and ready to return to her old life. She was happy that she would soon see her friends again. But those very same things also worried her endlessly.

Thinking about going back made her feel uneasy and on edge. How would she react? What if the brainwashing hadn’t been completely reversed? What if she went berserk and tried to hurt one of them? On the other hand, how would they treat her? They knew she had been turned against them. Would they think her weak? Would she ever again have their trust? What would her life be like now? Would Operations and Madeline really think she was worth a second chance, or would she simply go back to face cancellation?

Groaning, she jumped up and paced the confines of her room. The silence was getting to her; the walls were closing in on her. Deciding some fresh air would help clear her mind, she informed security that she was going for a walk. The compound was located in a very beautiful, very secluded wooded area set far back in the mountains. Unless you knew of its existence and where it was located, you would never find it.

As soon as she began her hike, she sensed the guards following her. She knew it was a precaution for her safety as much as for everyone else’s. Still, she wished she had a few moments to herself. Most people probably wouldn’t even know they were being followed. She smiled at that thought. At least her training was apparently still intact. Perhaps she wasn’t quite as bad off as she thought.

Reaching a small stream that ran behind the compound, she sat down beside it. Pulling her knees up and wrapping her arms around them, she stared at the scenery for a while. It was so peaceful and beautiful here that she wanted to stay forever. She felt safe here, hidden away from the rest of the world. She didn’t have to face all the things running through her mind. She didn’t have to go back to Section and try to fit in again. She wouldn’t have to worry about how her friends would act toward her. She wouldn’t have to worry about dying because she made a mistake. Life was so much simpler here.

As these thoughts whirled through her head, a few stray tears wandered down her cheeks. She let them flow because the emotional release would help her regain some perspective. She knew she was too keyed up and needed to get a handle on things. She was starting to feel like she couldn’t stand to be in her own skin. The more she recovered, the more she felt that way. Probably because once McAllister released her, she would have to face her old life again. And that day was almost here.

Finally swiping at the tears, she was startled to realize someone was standing beside her. She laughed sarcastically. "So much for my training," she mumbled. Realizing it was Dr. McAllister, she sighed.

The doctor smiled. He knew his patient well. She hated having her private time interrupted. But he also knew she needed to talk about her feelings before they overwhelmed her. He had been watching her closely and was concerned with what might happen if she didn’t deal with the fear and uncertainty.

"We need to talk," he said as he sat down beside her. "And since it’s such a lovely day, I thought we’d do it out here - where you come to hide from the rest of the world."

"Do we have to?" she growled. "I was having such a nice time, simply enjoying nature," she continued.

He nodded. "And the tears? I suppose you were simply expressing your joy at the beauty of creation?"

"Okay, doc. You caught me," she said without looking at him. Sometimes she felt he could see into her very soul and she didn’t want that at the moment. She was too uncomfortable with herself and what she was feeling. "So, what do you want to discuss?"

His answer was matter of fact. "I think you know. I want to discuss what’s going on in that head of yours. You’ve been getting more anxious and uptight since I told you I thought you were ready to go back."

"And you think that’s a bad thing?" she asked.

Pausing for a moment before he answered, he took in his surroundings. This was one of his favorite places too. Not many of his patients sought it out, but it had become Sherry’s refuge, just as it had been his a few times in the past. He understood it’s quieting, healing qualities. He didn’t want to make it a place of distrust and discord for her. She needed the retreat, even if it was only for a few more days.

"No, not completely. But you have to admit, you’re more on edge with each passing hour. I think you need to discuss it. We can do it here, or we can go back to the compound. Your choice." He simply stared out at the water waiting for her reply.

He waited so long for an answer that he thought she was ignoring him, but finally she turned to him. "If you don’t mind, I’d rather do it here. I need to be here right now."

Dr. McAllister nodded. "Fine. But if you change your mind for any reason, just let me know and we’ll go back to my office."

Sherry nodded and sat quietly waiting for him to begin. She wasn’t thrilled about having this discussion, but she knew it was necessary. If she didn’t get her head on straight, she’d be canceled before she ever set foot off this property.

The doctor leaned back on his hands and made a statement. "You’re worried."
Sherry laughed. "Well, gee, doc. Thanks for the news flash. I knew something was bugging me, now I know." Then she looked at his face and sighed. "Sorry. I know you’re just trying to help. I’m just not very good at this talking stuff."

He smiled. "Oh. Believe me, I know. But you’re going to have to talk to me if you ever want to leave."

Sherry grinned wickedly. "And if I don’t? Does that mean I can stay forever?"

Standing up and taking her hand to assist her to her feet, he replied. "Sorry. No can do. Just think of how many people would be deprived of my help if I kept you here forever. You really don’t want all those poor desperate people to lose out on my help now, do you?" he quipped.

Shaking her head, Sherry laughed. "Wow, you don’t have much of an ego there do you, doc? Besides, just think how well you would get to know me if I stayed. We could talk and talk and talk ..."

He laughed and shook his head. "As much as I’d like that, it would never work."

Sherry smiled at him. He was a handsome man, only a couple of years older than she was. "Ah, doc, why not? You could figure out what makes me tick. I could figure out what makes a handsome guy like you hide yourself away out here in the middle of nowhere. And who knows ... we might even become ... friends."

He sighed. "I thought we were already friends. Have you ever heard anyone else call me ‘doc?’" Seeing her shake her head no, he continued. "That’s because no one does. No one ever has, until now."

Sherry looked at him, amazed. "Really? I can’t believe it. Well, I can’t call you Dr. McAllister. It’s too ... I don’t know ... stuffy and formal. And you never told me to call you by your first name. So I have to call you something ..."

He smiled. "Doc is fine, I kinda like it. Although if you want to call me Travis, I won’t object." He was drawn to this woman who had been his patient for the past six months. He knew nothing would ever come of it except their friendship. But there was something that drew him to her ... she had been so vulnerable when she came to him. From what he’d been told, she had always been calm and collected, always in control. When he met her, she had been anything but. He had grown quite fond of her while helping her overcome the brainwashing.

They walked along another trail that lead to a secluded spot a bit farther away from the compound. It was a small clearing. She found it the first day she had been allowed to explore the grounds. It was another of her favorite hideouts. They sat on a cushion of pine needles and continued their discussion.

"So what bothers you the most?" he asked.

Taking a deep breath, she looked up to the sky and then back to him. "I’m not sure... of anything. I think that’s what bothers me the most. I don’t know what to expect. From them, from me. There’s just too much uncertainty."

Travis nodded. "Okay. I can understand that. But let me ask you something. I don’t want to know exactly what you do or who you work for, but I have some idea. When you do your job, do you always know what to expect? Do you know exactly what you are going to find when you get there? Do you know the outcome before you start?"

Sherry smiled at him. He was good. "No."

He nodded. "So this isn’t much different than what you’ve always done."

Sherry shook her head. "But that’s not true. Before, I knew I could count on these people. They knew they could count on me. That’s all changed now."

Travis studied her for a moment. "Why?"

Rolling her eyes, she picked at the pine needles around her. "Because I turned against them. I hated them. I thought they were torturing and beating me. They were trying to kill me. I wanted nothing to do with them and probably would have ..." she paused, not sure how much to tell him, "... hurt them if given the chance."

Travis watched her closely. "You mean you would have killed them."

Not looking at him, she nodded. She hated the fact that he knew she could kill another person. For some reason, she didn’t want him to think of her in those terms. She didn’t want him to think of her as a monster.

"Look at me," he stated. She ignored him. "Look at me," he stated more firmly. This time she complied.

"Good. Now listen to me. As I said, I have some idea of what you do. And it doesn’t make me think any less of you. So get those thoughts out of your head right now. You have enough to deal with without adding me to the list." Smiling she nodded and quietly thanked him.

"I would never think badly of you because of your job. I think you are very good at what you do... or you were before the brainwashing. I’m sure you will be again. So, back to your co-workers. Why do you think they won’t trust you to cover their backs now?"

Sherry laughed. If only he knew some of the people she dealt with at Section. "Because they won’t trust me. They won’t trust what we’ve done here. I’m not even sure I can trust it. What if three months from now I’m talking to Michael and all of a sudden I think he’s trying to kill me? Or what if I’m out with a team and someone walks up behind me and I think they’re after me? I could kill them. Or, I could overcompensate and not be on guard and they could kill me."

They sat in silence for a bit as he contemplated his answer. "I can’t give you a guarantee. I’ve told you that before. The mind is very complex. There is so much we still don’t know about how it works. So, you have a legitimate concern. As much as I don’t think it will happen, and as much as I want to be able to tell you that it won’t happen, I can’t give you that assurance. But, if it does happen, we will deal with it," he promised.

"If I’m still alive," Sherry sighed.

Travis frowned. He wasn’t sure what kind of place she worked for, but he wished he wasn’t sending her back there. She never said much about the place, but the few things that slipped out, like that last comment, gave him a decidedly grim feeling. Why couldn’t she simply have been a teacher or a secretary or something? Of course, if she had been something along those lines, she wouldn’t have been kidnapped and brainwashed and they would have most likely never met.

Deciding to let that part of the conversation rest for now, he moved to another topic, one that made her equally uneasy. "What about Michael?" he asked.

Shaking her head she threw to the ground the grass she had been pulling apart while they talked. She jumped up and paced around the clearing. Travis remained seated and waited for her answer.

"I don’t know how to answer that," she honestly said. "I know I’ve hurt him, and I know he blames himself for this whole mess."

"And you don’t?" Travis prompted when it seemed she wouldn’t say anything else.

She turned and looked at him like he was nuts. "Of course I don’t blame him. None of this was his fault."

Travis nodded. "Tell him."

Sherry smiled. "I already have."

Raising an eyebrow in question, he again waited for an answer to his unspoken question.

"Before Kit left, I wrote a letter to Michael. I asked her to give it to him. I told him I didn’t blame him for any of it and that he should stop blaming himself."

Travis nodded. "Good for you. I’m sure it meant a lot to him for you to tell him that. From what you’ve told me, he was probably carrying around a lot of guilt."
Sherry nodded. "You don’t know the half of it. And if I know Michael, he’s still carrying it. He won’t let himself off the hook, even if I do."

"So, back to my question. What about Michael?" he prompted again.

Flopping back down to the ground, she shrugged. "I told you, I don’t know."

"Do you trust him?"

"Of course," she blurted out without even giving it a second’s thought.

"You’re sure?" he continued.

"Yes, I’m sure," she answered, her voice betraying her anger at the repeated questions.

Travis watched her for a few seconds. He was getting to the heart of some of the problem now. She wouldn’t be getting angry if she weren’t getting agitated. So Michael was a big part of the problem. He had known as much, but didn’t want to push. Now he had to.

"Do you love him?"

She looked at him like she wanted to strangle him. "What does that have to do with anything?" she demanded.

"It has a great deal to do with this," Travis answered. "I think your relationship with him is at the center of your problem. It’s not the total problem, but it’s eating at you. Your anger at my questions is proof of that. Now, answer the question."

Rolling her eyes, she pulled her knees up and wrapped her arms around them again. It was a defensive position, she was subconsciously trying to protect herself. He just wasn’t sure from what. Was she protecting herself from him, the answer to the question, the feelings she has or doesn’t have for Michael, Michael’s feelings for her? That’s what he was trying to find out.

She thought about his question for a moment. She knew the answer was a simple one, but then again it wasn’t. Finally she spoke.

"Yes, I love him. I always will. That’s not the problem."

Travis nodded. "Okay. You love Michael. That hasn’t changed. So what has?"

Sherry threw back her head and watched a bird flying overhead. She hated these talks. He was always making her delve into herself, her relationships, her feelings. She was a private person when it came to her feelings. She didn’t share them with many people. She didn’t talk about herself. It wasn’t who she was. She hated doing it, in fact. She’d rather have a face-to-face blowup with Operations any day than delve into her inner self. So, she chose the weapon she usually fell back on when she didn’t want to deal with something ... sarcasm.

"Well gee, let’s see doc. I was kidnapped from Michael’s team, beaten, tortured and brainwashed. I was brainwashed to think that my fiancé was the person behind the beatings and the torture. I believed it. I was terrified of him. I saw him once ... after they retrieved me and I pulled IVs out of my arms and all kinds of medical equipment off of me to get away from him. I called out for my kidnapper to save me from him. How twisted is that? Do you think he’s forgotten that? That he ever will forget that? Would you?"

Travis shook his head. He knew it was something Michael would never forget because he was certain if it had happened to him, he would never be able to forget. He had yet to meet Michael, but he was certain the man was dealing with a lot of pain and anger and feelings of betrayal, along with guilt for what happened to Sherry as well as guilt for having those feelings. He just hoped that Michael had a handle on his feelings. Sherry had enough to deal with right now working out her own feelings.

"You’re right. I probably would never forget that. But you can’t change what Michael is feeling. Right now you can only deal with what you’re feeling. If you want to get past the anxieties, you have to put Michael’s feelings aside and concentrate on yourself. Can you do that?"

Shaking her head no, she said, "I don’t think so. I don’t want him to feel guilty or to be in pain. I don’t want him to think I will never trust him again. I don’t want to feel that he will never trust me again. And ..."

She trailed off and looked away from him. Now he was getting somewhere. "And ... you’re afraid he won’t love you anymore?"

She nodded as a tear slipped down her cheek. Travis watched another tear fall and then moved closer to her. He handed her his handkerchief and she wiped the tears away.

"You think he can’t trust you anymore and therefore he can’t love you, is that it?" he asked gently. Knowing that if she spoke, the tears would fall again, she simply nodded her head in answer to his question.

"Listen to me," he said as he turned her face towards him. "Michael knows and understands that what happened was not your fault. He knows that you were brainwashed, that you were not yourself when you did what you did. So now that you’ve overcome the brainwashing, why do you think he wouldn’t trust you again? Do you think you mean so little to him that he would simply stop caring about you while you’ve been away?"

Sighing, she got up and paced again. It was another coping mechanism. The questions were intimate and delving, so she put space between them.

"No, I don’t think Michael is that shallow. But how can he trust me? I don’t trust me ... not completely."

Travis smiled. "Bingo." She turned and looked at him questioningly.

"You’ve just hit the nail on the head. The reason you’ve been so uptight and agitated since I said you could soon go back. You don’t trust yourself. You’re afraid you will hurt Michael or one of the others. You’re afraid you haven’t completely overcome what Corda did to you. You’re afraid something might happen that will trigger a return to your previous conditioning."

Sherry nodded. "Yeah, so, what do you expect? Shouldn’t I feel this way?"

Travis held up a hand, to forestall the questions. "I would think you were lying to me if you said you didn’t have reservations. As many times as I’ve told you I can’t guarantee anything, you should have a few reservations. But you can’t take on the whole world and their feelings. You have to deal with yourself for now. Get a handle on what you can and can’t do, what you do and don’t feel. Then you can start to worry about the others. And if Michael is half the man you think he is, he should be willing to give you time and space and not cut you loose at the first sign of trouble. Your friends too. They should be understanding. I’m sure they’ll be anxious too ...."

He paused and Sherry waited for him to continue, but he didn’t. She knew he had cut himself off before finishing what he was going to say. "Okay, doc. Spill it. What else were you going to say?"

He stood up and walked over to her. "Let’s start back. I’ll tell you on the way." He was pleased with the progress they had made. He could tell she was relaxing a little. Of course, once he told her his plans, she might very well return to her previous state, but he didn’t think so. Now that she had a better idea of what was bothering her, she could deal with it. They still had a week or so before he released her and he was certain she would understand her feelings better by then.

They had walked a short distance when she prodded him. "I’m waiting, doc. What else were you going to say?"

He smiled. She was certainly tenacious. "I’ve set up a meeting for you."

She frowned. "A meeting? With whom?"

Travis turned his most charming smile on her. "I’ve invited a couple of your friends, and Michael, to come for a visit early next week. I want you to see them again for the first time on our turf and not theirs."

Sherry stopped walking. "Will you be there?"
He heard the nervousness in her voice and was glad he had decided to do things this way. She needed the support he could provide when she saw them again. If she had an adverse reaction, they could deal with it. He didn’t think that would happen, but there was always a slight chance. If things went well, as he expected, she would feel less anxious about returning.

"I’ll be there as long as you need me. I will monitor your visits, if you like. If you prefer, I will leave you alone, but will make sure the panic button is there for you if you need it. It’s up to you."

Sherry nodded. "Thanks. I’m not sure yet how I feel about it. I’ll let you know when I make up my mind."

"Great," Travis said, relieved that she wasn’t fighting him on this. That was a very good sign.