RESOLUTIONS
BY.....Nikita507


It was that time of year again. The week between Christmas and New Year's, I always found to be the week that was most difficult to live through. I always process what I did in the past year and notice all the shortfallings, all the things that I neglected, all the things that I promised myself and neglected. I realize what I have forgotten to give myself.

This year was particularly harsh and finding the bad, the wrong, and the incorrect, were just too easy to find and realize. It was all eating me up that night, so I was barely aware of where I was and what I was doing. It was easy to vegetate when thinking of what you missed out on.

"Are you using this book?" A soft voice asked behind me and I looked at the hand on the book to the right of my body. The hand was sitting on abook that was not mine, and that was all that mattered. I did not notice the length of the fingers and neatness of the male nails. I did not care.

"No." I responded without caring to look back at the man. My thoughts instantly turned back onto myself. I didn't care who was behind me, I didn't care who or what he was. It did not matter.

Most of my time was focused on what I didn't do in the year that quickly passed. It was amazing how each year seems to move faster and faster. It only feels like a few months ago I was doing the same thing that I was currently doing. But my things I didn't do ran deeper and more harshly against my soul. I didn't go to the hospital when the paramedics took my father to the hospital. It was to be like any other time. In a few days, he would be back and laughing with us. I didn't even think twice. I took it for granted. I didn't panic. I thought it would just pass, like it always did. I didn't go to the hospital that last time. I didn't know it would be the last time.

Why didn't it register as being different that time? Why didn't I know? Why didn't I go with my mother and him? Why didn't I go? Why did I stay home? How could I have not known? Why?

Is it the guilt that ate at me, or the feeling of no control? I could not answer. It wasn't all guilt that held my heart tightly, but the feeling wasn't without guilt. These questions, these doubts, I will never be able answer, but will haunt me for life. No matter how many times I tell myself that I could not have known, I feel the voice in my head singing out to me, "You should have known." It all made the pain that I hardly identified with, hurt even more.

"Are you ok?" The soft voice asks as my attention is pulled away from the pad of paper that I scribbled on and onto the stranger who was now sitting to my right. I wiped my nose and turned to the side to see what was going on around my body in the somewhat peaceful library.

"Yes. Just thinking." I replied and shifted in my seat. I just wanted to forget, and that was when my eyes settled on the face of the stranger. In that instant, I became a little bit more interested in the world around me, but still felt the strings of guilt, anger, and pity pulling me back to my own musings about the year that had past and what I missed.

"Thinking can be dangerous, especially if it controls your life." The stranger said quickly and turns his head back to the book. I looked at his brown hair and then to my pad.

How could a person not think? Why wouldn't a person want to think? Isn't that how you make yourself better? Isn't that how you learn? Isn't that how you take from the words on paper and make them into a story? Isn't that how imagination works? How could a person not think?

=======

"It's only life, you can't take it so seriously." The mysterious stranger said and I lifted my head back up from my own pile of misery to look into a pair of rich gray green eyes. They held my attention as I struggled to identify my own reaction and my own feelings on his statement. I looked briefly at his dark brown hair that was cute short and then dropped my head back down.

"Yeah, sure." I responded and was rewarded with silence again. I pulled the pen back out and went back to my pad and my thoughts and my regrets. I quickly sunk into the dark feelings, and the presence of the stranger was gone again.

Maybe what upset me most in the past year, was not the passing of my father,but that I lost myself in the aftermath. I had always held onto my feelings and my ideas that made me different from everyone else like it was the lifepreserver that was going to save my life. I didn't like looking back and finding out I didn't fight to hold onto myself.

My life had changed so quickly and it happened right underneath my nose, and only in reflection now, I could see it. My life had changed from the twenty-year-old student, whose worries were of grades, money and how I was going to get to Toronto. There weren't many other worries than those. There was no need for it. I had two parents who would try to make my very dreams come true and support me in anyway possible. Instantly, I was a twenty-one year old who held a family checkbook, who started a retirement fund, who knew that plans to take a year off from school were now ridiculous and impossible, and who suddenly became more family focused that she could ever remember being in her life.

My father had always told me that I thought the world revolved around me, and that my parents were there to serve me. Maybe it was half-true, because they were always there. It is ironic that it took death for me to turn around and serve everyone else. But then in the process, I lost the most fundamental thing everyone has in life. Their own self.

Who I am now, is defined by what I do… what I do for my family… what I will do for my family.. What I have done… My humor, my likes, my friends, my interests, and my dreams do not define it. Those have fallen to the wayside, and now I a feel like just a shell of a person.

I had let my life slip away, like sand sliding between your fingers.It was gone before I could even feel that it was gone. My life now is not my own. I had to be there for my sister, I had to plan to graduation party, I had to help her with Prom, I had to plan the vacation, I had to come home and cook dinner, I had to cancel plans, and I had to put dreams on hold. My wants, my needs, my concerns, and my identity were gone, and even more upsetting, I allowed it to happen, without even fighting for it.

"Those are long plans for a few nonsense New Year resolutions." The stranger's voice said, bringing my attention out of my worries once again. I turned my head and looked at him as my hands unconsciously closed the pad of paper, not wanting others to see how I had disappointed myself.

"They have to be." I responded as I found my eyes focusing on his gray-green eyes once more, and in that instance, I knew he would fight that comment, and that deep down, I knew he would be right.

In fact, instead of immediately saying anything in response, he laughed at me. I raised an eyebrow that only caused to increase his laughter. I sat in the chair trembling, as I was concerned about why he was laughing at me. I felt fear in my body and I dropped my head quickly.

"I didn't use." I said defensively, but it only added fuel to the laughter. I noticed the spark in his eyes and how I felt envy. How I wished I could get that spark back? How I wish I could sit back and laugh and not worry about what else I was neglecting?

"I find it ironic when people outline their lives. How can one plan out something that they don't know." He said and my eyes narrowed and I stared deeply into him.

"Who the hell are you?" I angrily asked, and then the laughter stopped.

=========

"Roy. And you are?" The stranger asks as he extends his hand and I look at it. I tentatively place my hand into his own hand and find it warm.

"Michelle." I replied and Roy smiled broadly.

"I don't think talking to me was in your plans. Welcome back to real life." Roy retorts and I stare into his eyes. His words were bold and strong. There was nothing confusing about what he said, it was what I wanted to do. I wanted to go back to the way I use to do things, and that was what Roy was speaking about. Yet it was always easier to fall away from your true self than it was to get back to it. I knew the damage that occurred in the past year might take more than a year or two to heal, and that the possibility was that I had lost that person forever.

"So why all the plans?" Roy asks and I look around the library and then to my watch. They would be closing up in a few minutes. I look at Roy and suddenly regret brushing him off so quickly.

"I would rather not speak about it." I replied, knowing that I was going to have to leave. I was going to have to go home and spend the night talking to my mother as she reflected herself. Once I left that library, it was not going to be about me any longer.

"It's New Years Eve. You are to tell people of your resolutions." Roy replies and I stare back at him. It was so refreshing to hear his voice. It was different from all the others. Maybe it was because the other voices in my life, felt that I had grown into a better person. The voices in my life respected what I have given up to help my family. The voices in my life said that I had matured.

"I just want a better year than last year." I reply as the librarian looks at us and points to her watch. I nod my head and stand up. I start to pack my small bag and Roy stands up.

"Why? Did someone die last year? Is that why?" Roy asks with a half smile on his face. I drop my head and try to blink back tears. When I turn my head back to look at Roy, the half smile is off of his face and regret is written in the gray-green eyes that have held my attention.

"Yes. My father passed away." I said sharply and suddenly Roy's arms were reaching out for my shoulders. I stood there in a trance as his hands set down on my shoulders and I lifted my head to look into his gray-green eyes.

"Sorry." He says softly and I nod my head and turn it to the side. I step out of the hold of his hand and pick up my bag.

"I changed in ways I don't like. I want to have a better year. Find myself." I say softly as I start to walk towards the door of the library.

"You think all of the changes that occurred since his death have been bad?" Roy asks as he stops me. I look at the door. I could walk the five steps and never have to worry about this stranger behind me, but he had something I wanted. He had a part of myself that I wanted back. He had the sense that life was more than a plan, that things happen because they did. I wanted to take the chance to get all that back. That was why I turned back to look at him.

"Yes." I replied sharply and Roy shakes his head. He walks and takes my arm into his.

"Walk with me." Roy says and I drop my head. I knew I wasn't going to turn down the invitation, but I wasn't going to let Roy know how ready I was to go with him.

"Stop acting like you aren't. You are." Roy says and I open my mouth in protest. Roy starts to walk, and in a stumbling step I am walking somewhat on his side. The cold air hits my face and Roy turns and looks at me. He uses his free hand to pull up the hood from my coat around my short hair. I smile and he turns to the left.

"But my car is to the right!" I protest and Roy continues to walk and smiles at some women who pass, looking his perfect body up and down.

"My car is here." Roy says and I look at him as he shows me the black car. I stand there and he touches my chin softly.

"You may have changed, but you know it is not all for the bad." Roy says and I stare at him as I start to stamp my feet on the ground cold.

"Can we talk inside your car?" I ask as the coldness starts to make my body half-numb and half extremely cold. I stare at his gray-green eyes and sigh loudly.

"Once you tell me one good thing that happened last year." Roy says as he dangles the keys in front of my face. I shake my head.

"No. There isn't anything! NOW I AM COLD!" I say loudly and Roy leans against the car.

"You know, Pittsburgh is not that cold. Now, Toronto is." Roy says and I feel the anger boil within me. No one rubbed me this way since my dad. I couldn'tremember the last time a few words brought me to the edge of screaming and tears. I didn't remember the last time I felt like this. It had been awhile, and boy did I enjoy the feeling. It was like part of myself had been turned back on. Roy flicked a switch and there I was, glowing again.

"I can't believe you!" I scream out and I slam my hands into my body. Roy smiles and laughs softly.

"Tell me one thing that was good last year." Roy says and I turn my head and I drop my head.

"I found out that I have strength that I didn't know I had." I reply softly. The tears form in my eyes and the world turns blurry as Roy opens the car and opens my door for me. I blink my eyes, wanting the tears to stop, but also wanting them to continue.

"Get in." Roy says and I nod my head and slide in.

========

"Are you like your father?" Roy asks as he pulls the car out of the city. I look at the passing stores and buildings and look at him.

"Where are we going?" I asks and Roy smiles and looks back to the road.

"Not until you tell me if you are like your father." Roy says and I stare at him. I could almost hate him if I didn't feel like I needed him. To answer his question was to unlock parts of my life that I really didn't want too, but I had too.

"Yes. I am my father's child. To the very extent of it. I am stubborn, I am hard-nosed, I look like him, my anger is like his… and now I am outnumbered.. with no one else like me around." I say as I look at Roy's profile and then quickly turn to look out the window as he starts to drive across the bridge.

"We are going to Station Square." Roy says and I turn to stare at him. I shake my head and Roy turns his head as the traffic builds as Station Square is to the right and smiles.

"I hope you don't mind, but I don't like celebrating the New Year by myself." Roy says and I stare at him and continue to shake my head.

"I can't believe you.. I can't! Who do you think you are? You ask me a question.. I tell you something deeply personal and you respond by telling me that we are going to Station Square!" I yell and Roy smiles and nods his head.

"Yes. So you hurt now… in a few minutes it will pass. Right now you are angry… but soon you will realize how stupid it is to hold onto anger when there is life to explore!" Roy says and I shake my head in disbelievement.

"See! You are smiling!" Roy says as he points his finger to my mouth and I turn my head away. He was pushing every single button of mine. He knew how to make me feel good, he knew how to upset the hell out of me, and he knew how to make it all seem like it was part of life. Just like my dad did.

I look at him and sigh. I reach out and touch his hand and then look back to the road as Roy starts to pull into the packed Station Square.

"What was that for?" Roy asks and I smile and drop my head as I feel a bit ridiculous.

"Just had to check something. Now, where are we going in Station Square and do you have tickets?" I ask and Roy laughs and points to the boat and I shake my head.

"I HATE BOATS!" I say loudly and Roy smiles and pulls the car into a parking spot. He steps out of the car and walks to the trunk.

"Do you want a blanket? It will be very cold out on the river tonight!" Roy calls out as I step out of the car. I look around and then walk to the back of the car.

"Didn't you hear me? I hate boats." I scream and Roy slams the trunk down with two blankets in his hands.

"I heard the best way to enjoy the New Year's fireworks is from the Partyliner. It will sit in the middle of the Ohio River and you can look up into the sky and watch the fireworks sprinkle the sky with colors." Roy says and I shake my head.

"What about me? I hate boats!" I cry out and Roy smiles.

"Well…. Don't you think if you can overcome this fear tonight.. that you can get over the fear that next year will just be a continuation of this year?" Roy asks and I grab the blanket and start to walk to the boat.

"We use to come on this boat for a family birthday." I say softly as we stand in line. All the other couples look at us like we are weird, they all head inside, while we head upstairs, to sit in the cold night air.

"It must have been nice." Roy says and I nod my head slowly.

"I was on this boat once a year from the time I was born until I hit high school. We would feed the carp popcorn from the side of the boat. Some of them would be huge. Sometimes me and my dad would try to find the smallest carp and try to give it the popcorn." I reflected as Roy walked behind me as I walked up the flight of stairs. I look around at the few benches on the top of the boat. I turn to Roy and smile.

"It was always so much bigger in my memories." I say softly and he nods his head and drops the blankets on the first bench.

"Did you run across the top of this?" Roy asks and I nod my head.

"Me and my cousins… and in the back.. there was a bar.. and once my dad let me have a sip of his 'rusty nail'… and then he got me a Shirley Temple." I say as I start to rub my arms.

"Tell me more." Roy says as he takes me back to the bench and covers me up with the blanket.

=======

"We were in the middle of nowhere… in a river.. with snakes and rapids… and my innertube turned over and I was stuck, holding onto a little tree for dear life!" I laugh out as the boat drifts in the water and Roy's arm is carefully wrapped around me.

"Oh, that must have been a sight." Roy laughs and I nod my head.

"If there was a video of it, It would have been the World's Funniest Video.. especially when I sped past my father screaming "Help me daddie!!!" I can hear him yelling at me to hold on." I say with a huge smile and Roy holds his head closer to mine.

"Do you know how pretty you are when you smile?" Roy asks and I drop my head and shrug my shoulders.

"I have been told that." I admit and Roy laughs and his hands tickle my cheek softly.

"I can guess who said that too you." Roy says and I shake my head back and forth quickly.

"No.. My father never said anything like that.. he would say that the frown would become frozen on my face!" I laugh out and Roy smiles and the music from down below gets louder.

Roy stands up and takes my hand. The blanket wraps around us as we goup to the railing and look up to the sky. I smile and turn towards Roy.

"Thank you." I whisper and Roy kisses the top of my head. I turn to the side and look off to the darkness.

"I have been telling myself for months.. that he wouldn't want me to be sad.. and he wouldn't want me to regret.. and I lived that way… or at least.. I appeared to live that way… but I can't forget him… because most of who I am is what he gave me." I say softly and Roy nods his head.

"The important thing is to think about him often, but don't let it take up your every thought. Do not change because it is what he would want.. and don't change for anyone else… Change for yourself." Roy says and I smile and nod my head.

"But don't you think a resolution such as having a happy year… is just too easy…" I ask and Roy smiles.

"Don't tell anyone. Keep it to yourself. No one else needs to know." Roy says and I nod my head.

"But I told you." I reply and Roy smiles and nods his head.

"Yes.. and I guess I will just have to make sure it starts off good." Roy says and I lean onto the bar and look out over the night sky and the glistening water.

10-------9-------8-------7-------6-------5-----

"thanks…" I say again to Roy. He wraps his arms tighter around me and turns his face towards mine.

4------3-----2---

"Anytime" Roy says and he moves his mouth closer to mine.

1----

As the screams of "Happy New Year" from below ring out.. and the fireworks from above create a color show on Roy's blankets, Roy kisses me. I move closer to his body. Finding that the year of happiness had just begun, and that my dad would be smiling.

THE END.


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This story © Copyright 1998, Nikita507
Used by permission